Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
