your parents love me but you hate me
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
