I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
