they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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