he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
