apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
