Just fell off a train. Bad.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
