The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
