Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
