he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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