I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
