Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
