I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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