Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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