he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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