You smell like stripper and shame
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize