Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
