Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
