Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
