I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
