You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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