I think I won the penis lottery.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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