U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
