I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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