I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
