I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
