I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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