Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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