PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
