You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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