You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
