ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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