jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
