you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
