Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
