The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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