took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
