Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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