I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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