sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
