I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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