Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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