i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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