life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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