I love black thongs
Say something about gay babies.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
