how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
