Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
