I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
