I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
