why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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