you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
