my vag is so smooth its legendary
only if we run a train.
done.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
