Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
