we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
