I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
