I got chris browned last night
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
