I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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