My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
