I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
